The football World Cup is coming up super soon and here at Stoke we couldn’t be more excited! It’s not because we’re overly sporty, or too invested in the outcomes of the matches, but because the World Cup allows us to drink beer, not work and talk friendly smack on each other’s countries. Fun! This year we’ve commandeered a downtown Barcelona bar where we’ll be watching all the games, so make sure if you’re in town you join us for some banter, some beer, heaps of chicken wings and maybe even a goal or two, or perhaps you’ll be with us for the Running of the Bulls and Stoked In The Park Pamplona, where we’ll be showing every game on the big screen.
Below is the full World Cup schedule in Spanish time, as well as some of our predictions of who will be victorious in each match. Think we’re full of shit? Call us out!
Thu June 14
Russia v Saudi Arabia (Group A) 5pm: this is a tough matchup to open with, and we’re not sure who will win this one. Both teams are populated with crazy bastards and while the Saudis will be running high on oil money, those pesky Ruskis will be fired up with Putin oil and the threat of being stomped by hooligans if they lose.
Our pick: Russia (2-0)
Fri June 15
Egypt v Uruguay (Group A) 2pm: Uruguay are the eternal enemy of the Australian socceroos, and we do love the socceroos. Plus Egypt have Mohamed Salah, who despite being injured is confident he’ll be back for the World Cup and smashing the back of the net only as he knows best.
Our pick: Egypt (3-1)
Morocco v Iran (Group B) 5pm: ever since D. Trump rescinded on the Iran deal their national team has been fired up to show the world just how superior they are to the yankees (who didn’t qualify for this World Cup, lol). Morocco on the other hand might fall victim to their splendid hash and the relaxing lifestyle found at Stoke’s own Morocco Surf House.
Our pick: Iran (2-0)
Portugal v Spain (Group B) 8pm: what a spicy matchup! Portugal has Ronaldo, but Spain has the team Ronaldo plays for. Spain also has the Stoke Travel offices and, despite what some locals will tell you, we’ll be watching this game in Barcelona, Spain. Portugal has better tarts, but in Spain people sunbathe topless regardless of how much fatty tissue their nipples are attached to.
Our pick: Spain (3-1)
Sat June 16
France v Australia (Group C) 12pm: take it from us, these Frenchies don’t stand a chance. Too much quiche, not enough meat pies. Frogs’ legs don’t contain as much protein as roos’ balls. While the French are the bookmakers’ favourites, they have severely underestimated Australia and will enter the game with the arrogance that they are infamous for and fall victim to Australia’s resolute spirit, grit and utter hotness.
Our pick: Australia (5-0)
Argentina v Iceland (Group D) 3pm: this Iceland’s first foray into the World Cup, and while Argentina have a storied history in the competition, and Lionel Messi, the latter has had limited success in the former – culminating in a recent drubbing against Spain. Iceland have that clap thing, too, which will certainly rattle the Argies.
Our pick: draw (0-0)
Peru v Denmark (Group C) 6pm: on the one hand they’ve got ceviche, while on the other they’ve got pickled herring. The Danes may be viking-descended beer lords, but the Peruvians are loco South American indians and will surely pip the stoic Scandis with their passion.
Our pick: Peru (2-1)
Croatia v Nigeria (Group D) 9pm: with the Australian squad stealing a good proportion of Croatia’s footballing talent, we fear that Africa’s most populous nation will easily roll over the Slavs, who will be dreaming of Stoke Travel’s Sail Croatia cruises, now with open bars!
Our pick: Nigeria (1-0)
Sun June 17
Costa Rica v Serbia (Group E) 2pm: like with Croatia, a fair share of Serbia’s talent emigrated to Australia and now find itself playing for the Socceroos. That said, Costa Ricans aren’t exactly renowned for their hustle, one of the byproducts of living in paradise. This is a tough matchup, but we’re predicting Serbians will triumph, as they have the same alphabet as the Russians and will feel more at home with the backwards letters, potato and vodka diet.
Our pick: Serbia (1-0)
Germany v Mexico (Group F) 5pm: Mexicans are quite possibly the best people in the world – tough, funny, kind, generous and their food is exceptional. Germans, on the other hand, are also tough, funny, kind and generous, albeit in a manner that’s a little foreign to us, but their food is pretty tough to get into. While we prefer Mexicans, the Germans are going to roll them like enchiladas.
Our pick: Germany (3-1)
Brazil v Switzerland (Group E) 8pm: who will take the match between the tightly wound, precise Swiss and the freewheeling Brazilians? The Swiss will have precision on their side, while the Brazilians will play fast and especially loose, with the flair they’re famous for. Given the two very different styles of playing it’s a tough one to pick, but Brazilians will have the support of their fans, who number in the brazillions.
Our pick: Brazil (3-2)
Mon June 18:
Sweden v South Korea (Group F) 2pm: this is a battle of two of the hottest countries on earth, and we’re not talking about the temperature. Will the princes of Scandinavia take it? Or will our KPop krushes be viktorious? This match up is too close to call and way too hot to handle.
Our pick: draw (0-0)
Belgium v Panama (Group G) 5pm: on one hand there’s a mighty fine canal, on the other fries. The Belgians are used to pretty shitty weather, they get maybe four hours of sunlight all winter, while the Panamanians had to invent pretty gross looking hats to protect themselves from the sun. This matchup will come down to the weather on the day, if it’s super hot Panama will triumph, but if the winter holds on and they’re playing in the cold you’ve got to go with the Tin Tins.
Our pick: draw (2-2)
Tunisia v England (Group G) 8pm: Tunisia was where they filmed the original Star Wars, it’s a hot, sandy place. England is where they filmed Four Weddings And A Funeral. The Tunisians are going to be hungry to beat England, but England are going to be desperate to not disappoint their home supporters who, to be honest, don’t have much else going for them. The Tunisians will be sober and the English probably drunk, too, so we’ve got to go with what we knoe.
Our pick: England (2-0)
Tues June 19
Colombia v Japan (Group H) 2pm: while hot guys come from Sweden and South Korea, hot gals come from Colombia and Japan. Will the ramen-fuelled Japanese find the inspiration to do it for their kawaii Hello Kitty betties? Or can the coked-up Colombians impress the booty shaking post-Escobar babes of their homeland?
Our pick: Japan (1-0)
Poland v Senegal (Group H) 5pm: with only Nigeria flying flying the sub-Saharan flag alongside them, Senegal will be playing for Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ghana and all those other countries we are used to seeing in the World Cup. Poland will want to show the Russians that they have come along way since being invaded and occupied by the Soviets.Sentimentally, though, we got to go for the Africans, because we want to see them in the final stages.
Our pick: Senegal (3-1)
And that’s the first round of the group stage. We really don’t have time right now to continue making predictions, but if we get these ones right we’ll stick with it. Nevertheless, we have the full World Cup schedule below, so make predictions yourself. And dont forget to join us for our World Cup parties in Barcelona, they’re going to be easily the best way to watch the World Cup, get loose and talk shit on the other teams’ supporters.
Russia v Egypt (Group A) 8pm
Wed June 20
Portugal v Morocco (Group B) 2pm
Uruguay v Saudi Arabia (Group A) 5pm
Iran v Spain (Group B) 8pm
Thu June 21
Denmark v Australia (Group C) 2pm
France v Peru (Group C) 5pm
Argentina v Croatia (Group D) 8pm
Fri June 22
Brazil v Costa Rica (Group E) 2pm
Nigeria v Iceland (Group D) 5pm
Serbia v Switzerland (Group E) 8pm
Sat June 23
Belgium v Tunisia (Group G) 2pm
South Korea v Mexico (Group F) 5pm
Germany v Sweden (Group F) 8pm
Sun June 24
England v Panama (Group G) 2pm
Sun June 24: Japan v Senegal (Group H) 5pm
Sun June 24: Poland v Colombia (Group H) 8pm
Mon June 25
Uruguay v Russia (Group A) – Samara, 3pm
Mon June 25: Saudi Arabia v Egypt (Group A) – Volgograd, 3pm
Mon June 25: Spain v Morocco (Group B) – Kaliningrad, 7pm
Mon June 25: Iran v Portugal (Group B) – Saransk, 7pm
Tues June 26
Denmark v France (Group C) – Moscow (Luzhniki), 3pm
Tues June 26: Australia v Peru (Group C) – Sochi, 3pm
Tues June 26: Nigeria v Argentina (Group D) – St Petersburg, 7pm
Tues June 26: Iceland v Croatia (Group D) – Rostov-on-Don, 7pm
Wed June 27
South Korea v Germany (Group F) – Kazan, 3pm
Wed June 27: Mexico v Sweden (Group F) – Ekaterinburg, 3pm
Wed June 27: Serbia v Brazil (Group E) – Moscow (Spartak), 7pm
Wed June 27: Switzerland v Costa Rica (Group E) – Nizhny Novgorod, 7pm
Thu June 28
Japan v Poland (Group H) – Volgograd, 3pm
Thu June 28: Senegal v Colombia (Group H) – Samara, 3pm
Thu June 28: England v Belgium (Group G) – Kaliningrad, 7pm
Thu June 28: Panama v Tunisia (Group G) – Saransk, 7pm
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