Or how to perfectly pack any social gathering
It may flummox you to know this, but there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that all of your party guests derive the maximum pleasure from the gathering. Its taken years of hard work and observation, partying as much as we possibly can, in order to come to this realisation. What we are about to share with you, is our theory of The Golden Ratio, the perfect ratio of women to men at any alcohol fuelled event, that ensure the most fun and the least idiocy.*
We’re not saying that any of this is true in all cases. For the most part, people are pretty great. However, take a group of strangers on holidays, pump em full of alcohol and watch as they delipidate into lizard-brain horny morons. The personality traits that make them all different dissolve, leaving behind only their primal, animalistic instinct. And not only are they animals, they’re drunk ones so the whole thing gets pretty fucked if the ratio dosen’t work.
N.B. The following examples are as true of your house parties as they are of Stoke events. This is our gift to you, the fruits of many, many years observing and participating in social gatherings. We’re not saying that our findings are conclusive, but they’re pretty much spot on all the same.
100:0 girls:guys – Girls nights are pretty great, no one creeping on you or bugging you with their shit chat, just good fun gals talk and shit tonnes of dancing. The only problem is, all the built up stuff come out and it often turns into a night of just crying and telling eachother how much we actually love each other which is lovely but just, not every night you know.
90:10 girls:guys – In the mind of the girls, the guys may as well just not be there. They probably don’t give shit about the 10% who are sitting in a corner somewhere, confronted by what they thought would be a dream come true but is actually a little frightening. They’ll realise that they’ll either be ignored all night, feeling like they’re intruding on girls night, or they’ll just have to suck it up and be one of the girls for the night.
50:50 girls:guys – Pretty good ratio but you will still find that not everyone talks to the opposite sex purely because they want to fuck and statistically more guys are up for it than girls and so the ratio of is still a little heavy on the male side.
10:90 girls:guys –Take a group of drunk, steroid pumped bros and put them in the same room as far too few girls and you can smell the testosterone in the air and actually see the total panic in their eyes as they realise that their chances are not looking too good and their fragile ego may be about to fall apart. not only are their very few girls present but those that are there will be turned off by all this bizarre desperation and so will probably stick to themselves making it almost as bad as a 0:100 party. All this pent up sexual frustration then generally turns into anger resulting in drunk, messy and embarrassing fights. Real “gorillas in the mist” kind of shit, if the mist is a haze of wasted sangria at Stoke’s most recent Running of the Bulls sausage fest.
0:100 girls:guys – Absolute fucking carnage. Immediately aware that there is no hope, things get weird. The whole party escalates terrifyingly fast as beers are shot gunned and bonged. The whole thing results in shirtless, alcohol covered dudes banging their chests, starting fights and shitting and pissing everywhere. Also, y’ever wonder why the most macho guys in the outside world are so quick to jump the fence in jail? Throw a 0:100 party and find out for yourself.
60:40 girls:guys – perfecto, a little more girls than guys makes everyone chill out a bit. We can all just talk to each other and have fun without any underlying sexual frustration. All the ‘lads on tour’ can look at the crowd and feel like the got a good chance of getting laid and none of the girls get overwhelmed by a fuck load of sexpests.
We’ve always been great at getting the ratio right, but the opening weekend of our Running of the Bulls camp was a little skewiff. We’ll be working hard to make sure the ratio is returned to its golden 60:40 equilibrium asap. And this isn’t to say that without the ratio our gorgeous and treasured Stokie males will devolve into chest-tatt pounding muscle-bound troglodytes, but when the ratio is off, some of them will. It’s not personal, it’s evolution, baby.
*This is a very heteronormative concept, so we absolutely would like to hear from our LGBTQIA Stokies on how this concept plays out amongst other sexualities.
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