Look, let’s be honest. Ibiza is a beautiful island with crystal-clear/azure waters and eyeball-melting mountains, cliffs and countryside. It’s full of nice restaurants, cafes, castles and the most beautiful people your b-division eyes have ever had the pleasure of feasting on.
Ibiza is also a place where parties happen non-stop, 24/7 from now until September, and most of those parties feature some form of electronic music, repetitive beats, you know what we’re saying chew-your-face-off kinda music. You know what we’re saying.
That drugs make this kind of music great! Or maybe better, but at least bearable. Only the hardest of core of electronic music fans will listen to electronic music completely sober, sitting in the car, on their way to do the shopping. The rest of us only listen to it when we’re either a) fucked up, or b) watching one of those “People Are Awesome” compilation videos.
But you’re not going to take drugs in Ibiza! Nope, no way, because you’ve read the pamphlets and listened to the priestesses and you know that drugs are bad. You’re not going to take drugs in Ibiza because despite Stoke Travel’s “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t hurt yourself” policy towards partying, you’re a responsible young traveller who wants to just get HIGH ON LIFE.
Here are some more reasons you won’t take drugs in Ibiza.
You won’t take alcohol in Ibiza because alcohol is drunk, not taken. And you will drink alcohol in Ibiza because at camp we have a €10/all-you-can-drink deal on beer and sangria. In da club you won’t drink alcohol because it’s super expensive, but even then you will probably buy a bunch of rum colas and then combine your hangover with bankruptcy.
You won’t hit the cigarettes in Ibiza because we’re the vape generation, so instead we’ll sit around sucking on little robot dildos and blowing out vast plumes of apple-scented android fog, because we want to live forever even if we look like massive tools doing so.
You won’t smoke the devil’s lettuce in Ibiza because you don’t want to sit around being spun out on just how vast the universe is, man. You also don’t want to chill out, talking shit and enjoying the sunny beach days, while munching on the delicious meals whipped up by our in-camp cooks. You won’t want to suck on a delicious hash joint while you’re doing that at all.
You won’t want to take a pill in Ibiza because you don’t want to be totally predictable. Everybody’s taking pills in Ibiza, because they’re pretty much perfect for the vibe and the music, but you won’t take any pills because you’re a mega individual.
You won’t do any coke in Ibiza because you don’t want to be ducking into the toilets every 15 minutes. You also won’t need the extra energy while partying for 16-hours straight on the fourth day. You can just have a couple of octuple-shot espressos every 15 minutes; perhaps snort them, in the bathroom. You also won’t do cocaine because it probably costs like €50 a gram, and ain’t nobody going to fork out that kind of cash.
You won’t do MDMA in Ibiza because you don’t want to feel really nice while looking really bad.
You won’t take special K in Ibiza because ketamine is designed to tranquilise horses so there’s no way that’ll be any good for partying all night in a club filled with thumping beats, beautiful weirdos and insane stage/light shows. No way at all…
You won’t do heroin or meth in Ibiza because you’re not a bloody idiot.
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